Bereavement

Yesterday I started a three day course on bereavement. It is going to cover many different angles that I may need to consider as a potential presbyter of the church. Here are some of the things that came out of the first day:

• Confronting my own death. We did an exercise imagining we were dead and watching what was going on. The interesting point was that I reacted far more when it came to my family finding out, rather than the part where I actually died. This was a really useful experience as it made me realise that I needed to plan more for if I died. It may be a bit morbid but it could be useful to my family to have planned some kind of funeral service. Do they know if I would prefer to be buried or cremated? Do they know if I would prefer a funeral service or a thanksgiving service? Do I know?
• We also considered the attachments that we build up. Some initially are for survival, but others are purely for affectionate reasons. The web of attachments is quite vast. This means that when someone does die, the loss is felt by many and in different ways depending on the attachment.
• It is important if someone knows they will die within a certain time span, for them to talk with family and friends. So all can be prepared. Talk about death - it is a natural and inevitable part of life. Encourage children to talk about death, maybe even attend the funeral, make it a positive experience - a chance to acknowledge loss and say goodbye.
• While it may be preferable to hold thanksgiving services and think only of the positive side of things, it is also important to acknowledge that people are mourning. Feeling grief isn't a weakness, it is a natural reaction, and we should be encouraging people to journey through it, not just skip over it because it is painful.
• What a minister says at funeral needs to speak to the immediate family, and to the other mourners. The family need comfort, permission to grieve. For them it is not a time for theology. However, the others present at the funeral may need some theology. So a funeral service needs to contain both. There does then need to be follow up where possible, because the time for theology will come.
• What we tell children about death is really important. We may want to make it sound better (e.g. Daddy has become a star) but often this just confuses them

Not bad for the first day! Although it often is heavy going, it is also really important stuff. Hopefully more to reflect on today.